I never want to get out of bed.
My body hurts, but my heart aches.
I’ve learned that love can cause a lot of pain.
I still struggle with it every day. Some days it’s easier to ignore, but the thoughts and the urge still linger. I was addicted, and I would be lying if I said that I don’t think about using from time to time. But, there’s a bigger part of me that wants to see myself flourish. And, that’s what keeps me going.
Recently, my insecurities have heightened to such an extreme.
You have no idea how fast my heart dropped when I received last night’s phone call. So many things rushed through my mind, and I couldn’t seem to leave work fast enough. I’m glad you’re okay. I know you’re in a lot of pain, but the accident could have been far worse. It’s awful to see you in such a dreadful state, and I can’t even begin to imagine how frightened you must feel. Your full recovery is going to take some time and effort but I’m here to take care of you, if you’d like me to. Te amo, bella.
You are a part of me, and I am yours to keep, if you want me to be. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently, but I’m glad you stayed. I love you- all of you. I love your eyes and your smile. I love the way you smell and the way your body curves. I love your heart, and the way mine beats for yours. I can only hope you feel as strongly as I do, because God knows how many nights I lay awake at night thinking you don’t. It’s scary. So many of my emotions are wrapped around you, and I don’t even think you know it. Whatever you do, please, prove me wrong.
I didn’t realize how emotionally involved I was. That’s the thing about love- it sneaks up on you and latches on when you least expect it. It comes in many forms and in different waves, and nine out of ten times you don’t recognize it. I didn’t, anyway. I caught a glimpse of a feeling I never knew was real, but now it’s giving me heartache. It’s funny how things work out. Those who swear to never be bound by love end up drowning in it, hoping one day to wash ashore.
And still, I wonder. Why is it so easy for me to revert back to depression? Always. Do you have the answer for that? Does anyone?
There’s something comforting about kissing someone you don’t know. Having the upper hand, and deciding whether or not you want to take them home. But, are they meant to be shut out? Who can you really rely on? At this point, no one knows. And maybe, that’s the sad part.
Heavy hearts bend, and it’s the absence of love that broke me.
I think some of us are born with sad souls. Is that so hard to believe?
And at the end of the day, when I’m home alone in bed, I still think of you.
I’m going to make some drastic changes in my life pretty soon. Getting clean is one of them. I know this is a really big risk, and maybe I’ll regret it someday, but it’s what I truly want. I hope I don’t disappoint you too much mom. I love you. I hope you know that.